he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Ladies don't puke and tell
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
