she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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