I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
