Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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