its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
