i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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