My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
