My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
