I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
