Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
