i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
