And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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