If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
