I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
