This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am naked and annoyed.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
