9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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