I accidentally burped into my bong.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
