Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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