I just threw up on my dentist
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
