Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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