I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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