The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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