Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You took a bar mat shot.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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