i just had sex bonerless
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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