so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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