And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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