ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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