Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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