I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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