guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
