I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
