My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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