I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
how drunk are you?
Several
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
