Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
