he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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