I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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