I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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