Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
