I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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