Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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