I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
