We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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