I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
