He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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