youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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