Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
