I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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