I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
