I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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