If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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