I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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