Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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